Repatriation vs. Rematriation

When you prepare to return home after some time overseas, there is much warning of the difficulties of repatriation. There are people who tell you stories about their friends who were really miserable to be back or had a hard time with such a thing or whatnot. If repatriation means being able to make phone calls with confidence again, enjoying the ease of grocery shopping by being able to know EXACTLY what you are buying, or coming back to a small town community that has an abundance of heart and care for its' students and each other, then I say: Bring it ON!

My difficulty falls more under the category of "rematriation." Today is graduation day in our town. I attended the ceremony because there are several to many kids who are very special to me and happen to be the children of colleagues and dear friends. I reminded Matt during the ceremony that next year it would be him. But then I realized that NEXT YEAR IT WOULD BE HIM.

We chose to give him the freedom to stay home last year while I lived in Japan, and it was really difficult at first. I had random panic attacks at odd moments, I would wake up in the middle of the night worried, or have bad dreams. I cried at anything on TV that had to do with young men (Everwood was especially devastating). Intellectually, I knew Matt was in a really wonderful loving home, with dear friends, and that this was his choice, and he was really happy but to my mother's heart it just felt wrong. The year before, when Matt was in Japan, we spent a lot of time together, hanging out, watching TV, playing games, talking, cracking each other up. Because he didn't really engage with his peers much, I think we really focused on each other. We had a lot of family time. Then I cut him loose for a year.

And oh my, what a year it must have been! I just attended a graduation party where he and his band performed. I was stunned. This kid confidently and competently played piano (when did he get so good?), acoustic guitar, bass, and he sang. He performed a song he wrote for his girlfriend, and handily covered several Ben Folds songs. Wow.

I think when I got back I initially expected perhaps subconsciously that we would be near that old place in our relationship. I was completely wrong. Since I've been back we've actually yelled at each other which had never happened before. Today what was really evident is that he's come into his own. No longer does he need his Mom, at least the way he used to, and for that I am really happy! All parents want to see their children grow to be independent and strong.

So why do I feel so sad on this beautiful summer evening? I realize that I am mourning the somewhat sudden (for me) loss of his boyhood, and the year I missed. So much growth happened, and I missed it. It's almost like a let down, and all the emotion from last year is pouring out at once. And I can't find a frickin' tissue box in the house. Shoot. Darn.

So instead of looking back and feeling sorry for myself, it's time to look ahead, and be grateful that I've got one more year to be Matt's in-the-same-country Mom. Nate and Chris won't be so far away either. But they were already on their way...

Here's to new beginnings.